A wide variety of people can have bipolar disorder. Men and women experience the condition equally. It usually manifests in late adolescence and early adulthood, but even children can experience symptoms. 

The causes of bipolar disorder are still unknown, but so far, evidence points to a multitude of contributing factors. There is some genetic component, though it’s not understood well yet, because the condition tends to run in families. In some cases, a traumatic event can trigger bipolar disorder.

Experts still don’t understand the neurological components of bipolar disorder, but the effectiveness of medication suggests neurotransmitters influence the manifestation and severity of symptoms.

Reading all of these symptoms makes sense logically, but it’s hard to understand what bipolar disorder is really like unless you live with it. The cycle of ups and downs is exhausting, disorienting, and discouraging. It’s confusing, and because of the varying types of bipolar disorder, experiences vary too.

Times outside of manic episodes are spent recovering from the questionable choices you made while manic, which makes the feelings of shame and worthlessness that come with depression more intense. By the time mania comes around again – and it always does – you forgot the bad parts. It’s fun at first. You’re more productive than ever, overflowing with creativity, and everything feels so good. After two days without sleeping, the paranoia and anxiety set in. You start to believe something evil is coming, and that you must stop it. You feel like the hero of the story. You believe you must save the world.

When the manic episode ends, you return to something akin to stable, and apologize to loved ones for things you said and did while manic, even if you don’t fully remember them. You’re lucky if there’s not a dent in your bank account.

You experience long stretches of emptiness. Nothing sounds enjoyable, and everything irritates you – even the people you love. Sometimes you wonder if you actually love them, because you feel so little. You spend days not doing much of anything, exhausted, waiting for a day that you’ll feel better.

When that day comes, it’s a relief. It’s the complete opposite of how you felt before: elated, productive, high energy. Anything is possible. Your loved ones worry, and you assure them you feel better than you have in weeks.

Then it’s over. You wonder what you have to do to feel so good all the time, because eventually, the hopelessness comes back. You wonder what’s wrong with you, and why sometimes you feel so happy, and other times you feel awful.